In my last Morg By The Week Post, I mentioned how I was overcoming some of my social anxieties and felt more comfortable with the circle of friends I have been making. And with that new sense of comfort, I finally felt like I could come out as non-binary and demisexual. It has been a very relieving experience, so I thought I could talk about it a bit more here.
What is a demisexual?
Demisexuals only feel sexually attracted to someone when they have an emotional bond with the person. They can be gay, straight, bisexual, or pansexual, and may have any gender identity
How did I know I was demisexual?
Back about seven years ago (high school time for me), I was in my first relationship (which lasted 5 years by the way) and I honestly had no clue what I was doing. It was a time in my life where I wasn’t incredibly proud of myself, I didn’t stand up for myself much, I felt like I lived in people’s shadows, and I would just “be into things” for the sake of having friends even if it was stuff that I didn’t actually like. This was probably about the time when I was trying to separate myself from that behavior and start being Morg.
In that relationship, we had a good friendship, he was my first love and we got along (most of the time). Looking back, I’m lucky that I had a pretty decent experience when it came to high school dating, but there was always something that bothered me. For the entirety of that 5-year relationship, we had only had sex once. While I was attracted to him, I was never sexually attracted to him. It made me feel broken. I constantly wondered if there was something wrong with me? Should I see a doctor about it? Was I just not ready yet? There were times where he would ask to have sex, and I would say no, and I would get asked why. My answer was always that I wasn’t in the mood (which was true) and that would get followed up by him saying that maybe I should see a doctor because that wasn’t normal (which isn’t true).
It really made me feel awful. Why didn’t I want to with someone that I loved? I did feel attraction, but not that kind. And for a long time after that, I just tried to ignore it. Until I started getting asked a lot if we could finally have sex. Most of me just didn’t want to, the other part just wanted to get it over with. As if doing it once would fix me. Admittedly, the constant badgering didn’t help, I had eventually said yes just so he could stop asking. The experience wasn’t the best, and honestly, it made me never want to have sex again (with him at least).
The sad thing is, back then I had no idea what being demisexual even was. I had never heard it before, but I really wish I had. It wasn’t until a year and a half ago I had first heard the term, and not till last year when I really started wondering if that was me. The more I learned, from my own research and others teaching me, I started to feel more and more that it was the reason that I felt what I felt.
I had a second relationship after the first one (still before I realized I’ll demi), and that one went a lot better. I felt like I actually had a connection with him and everything came a lot easier. I no longer felt broken. Up until the relationship started going south. We spent less and less time with each other, and eventually, that bond got weaker and weaker. Once again felt like something was wrong with me, why didn’t I feel attracted anymore? Now everything makes a lot more sense, and I no longer blame myself for feeling the way I do when I think I should feel differently.
What’s it like for me?
I know everyone has their little differences, so maybe not every demisexual feels exactly the same. For me, I can still feel attracted to someone, still want affection and all that, but to feel sexually attracted, I have to have a strong emotional bond. Sometimes that bond happens quickly and naturally, sometimes it takes more time. The best way to put it is that I still like sex, I still have needs like anyone else, but the satisfaction I get from it isn’t the sex itself, but instead, it’s the intimacy with another person I feel incredibly close to that makes it desirable. I can’t force myself to feel things for someone if I just don’t have that connection with them. I’ve learned that even when I care for someone deeply, romantically even, but still don’t feel that sexual feeling, it’s ok. That’s just how I am. And there’s nothing wrong with that.
Thank you for listening to this one as it was a bit more personal for me, but I like to stay transparent with most things because it’s nice knowing when there are other people out there like you. I hope that this reaches you, and connects with you in some way. See you next week. Cheers Loves!
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