This week I think I want to just ramble on about things that have been on my mind. I feel like I need to get it out, but also reflect on it too, so why not do that here for this Monday’s Morg By The Week? Throughout my life, I’ve dealt with anxiety pretty consistently. From a young age, I’ve dealt with health issues and spent most of my childhood in hospitals. I didn’t grow up getting to know the other kids in my grade and eventually, that led to me not having many friends, and unfortunately, the few that I did have didn’t treat me that well now that I look back on it. Most of my anxiety is social related. I always felt like I never fit in with other kids because of my maturity, and knowledge of what the world is really like from my misfortunes.
While it did make me a stronger person and I love who I am today, I still feel like I missed out on being a kid. When I was younger my anxiety used to make me worry about fitting in and being liked by at least one person. I used to mold my personality to fit those around me and I never really felt like my own person. The few times I would be myself, or at least try to figure out that part of me, I would always get made fun of or told that what I was into was weird or wrong.
It’s hard wanting to have friends but also never feeling like you want to be around anyone. Around when high school started for me, I tried to be more myself and find joy in the things that I liked. Slowly I figured it out but learning to be unapologetic about it took a lot of work. Today I’m still figuring out who I fully am but most of it is the finer details that I have left to figure out. I suppose today, my anxieties are about me still worrying about having friends and people that care about me. Three times in my life I’ve gone through moments where every person that’s currently my friend decides to leave me. I end up having to build my friend circles from scratch, and to put it lightly, it’s exhausting having to start all over.
I finally feel like I’m in a good place where I have people who deeply care about me, yet my anxiety is always in the back of my head telling me to enjoy it while it lasts, or that eventually they will all leave as everyone else has. I constantly have to reassure myself that I am someone that is worth being around and that I’ll find my place if I haven’t already. But for the first time, I have felt comfortable enough with the people in my life. So much so that I was able to finally admit some things about myself. I have recently come out as nonbinary, with my preferred pronouns being She/They, and that I am demisexual. It is so relieving being able to say that out loud. While I’ve known that about myself for some time, It’s the first time I’ve been able to actually say it.
Surprisingly things have actually been going really well lately. I’m getting my health under control, I’m making really amazing friends, I’m feeling more motivated to work on my own personal projects like this blog and my discord server, yet I still can’t shake my anxiety. But it is also the beginning of these major changes and I know it will take more time until the consistency makes me feel more secure. Healing takes time, and I feel as if I’m finally on the right road to it. Thanks for listening, or rather reading, to me ramble. I’ll be back with another post next Monday, but for now, Cheers Loves!
- Morg
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